Sunday mornings are usually pretty busy at our house. Although we don’t have children to chase down and dress, my husband and I somehow find our own ways to make things hectic. I’m the type of person who’s always late for everything. No matter how hard I try, I’m usually a few minutes behind, or getting there just on time. Daniel, on the other hand, is a highly punctual person who prefers to arrive anywhere ten minutes early. This causes friction, but we’re working on it.
As we pull into the church parking lot with a handful of minutes left to spare, I can usually feel the weight of the past week on my shoulders. All the tiny little stresses of day-to-day life float around me like snowflakes, each one piling onto the next, and before I know it, I’m buried underneath six feet of it.
I could never fully understand how much of an anxious, stress-filled person I am until after Daniel and I moved in together. When we were dating, we were together almost all day every day, but you’d be surprised how much you can hide in those few hours apart. All of my worrying I did when I was alone. In the morning while I was getting ready, in the car on my way to school, at night when I was lying in bed trying to sleep, all the worries and stresses and self-doubt crept in to make their home inside my head.
When you’re married and living together, you do still have a little time to yourself, but not much. Suddenly, there was this extra person invading my worry-time and he wouldn’t leave me alone.”Why are you always so sad,” he would ask. “I’m not sad, I’m just thinking,” I would answer. “You seem sad while you’re thinking. What are you stressed about?” The conversation would continue and I would get frustrated thinking “Just leave me alone, let me feel bad in peace.” Because in my mind, if I wasn’t worried about something, I didn’t care about it enough. If I didn’t feel stressed about it, then I had overlooked something. This was the kind of person I was used to being, so why would I need to change? After a few months of struggle, I realized that my worry was hurting Daniel.
The funny thing about most husbands is that what makes them happiest is making their wives happy. Daniel wasn’t happy because he felt I was never happy. He viewed this as a failure on his part. It took a while for us to get on the same page about this, because to me, nothing was wrong. Everyone in my social circle thought I was a very friendly person, always talkative and personable and funny and a lot like that girl Daniel knew when we were dating. No one had ever pointed out this problem to me before because no one else had ever seen it.
The more I actually thought about it, the more sense it began to make. I can’t say that since then I’ve completely fixed the issue. I still catch myself over thinking things and stressing out over ideas of scenarios that may or may not ever actually happen. But I’m working on it every day, and Daniel helps too. More than anything I think he just wants to know that I trust him to lead our little family of two. He’s the best kind of husband and I’m so lucky to have him as my partner. However, regardless of what he says, he can’t bear the weight of my struggles added to his own and he shouldn’t have to.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7 is one of the most popular Bible verses, and for good reason. It’s something I try to remind myself of daily. Not only did the creator of the universe give me an incredible, loving husband to care for me, but HE Himself cares for me too. God wants to know all of my worries and fears and struggles. He wants me to tell Him everything I’m afraid of and everything that stresses me out. He wants to take away my insecurity and show me how special I truly am. He wants me to give Him all of these things to carry so that I don’t have to. He loves me. God loves me.
The Creator of the Universe loves me.
“I’m wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace, and all my heart is Yours. All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love, oh Your love.” – Sinking Deep : Hillsong Young & Free
Sunday morning, when the last worship song ends and I’m standing there, hands raised, talking to my Father, I can actually feel the weight lifting off of me. This is the part of being a Christian I find hardest to put into words. It’s that indefinable connection between your soul and its maker.
Of course you can give Him your troubles at any time, it’s just that for me during worship is when I feel the freest to do so. It’s when I can most easily let go of things.
So I close my eyes and feel His love and I know there’s nothing left to worry about anymore.