Fearfully + Wonderfully

Dear Baby,

Last night, while I was lying in bed, I realized that something was different. I had pretty bad heartburn as usual, and a somewhat uneasy tummy. Your dad had fallen asleep several minutes earlier, leaving you and I alone in the dark. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what life is like for you in my womb. It must be pretty dark in there, and I don’t think you can even hear us yet. It sounded kind of boring.

I patted the lower half of my belly to reassure you that one day life will be more exciting, when I felt something different. I pressed down a little harder and then started laughing and crying, because that’s what I do these days. I realized that I could feel the little round bubble you call home. Sometime in the last few weeks, the beginning of a real baby bump had grown without me ever noticing.

I was happy to be able to feel that small balloon-like place you live in. It was very strange and kind of funny to see how you’re already changing things around. My body belongs to both of us now, but that’s okay with me. I just hope you’re happy in there. I may change my mind in a few months, but for now I’m fine with you taking all the extra space you need. If my uterus expanding is what it takes to get you, I’m more than happy to deal with it.

I have to wonder what you do in there all day. Do you swim around like a little goldfish in a bowl or do you just take naps and relax? Can you feel how much your dad and I already love you? Do you talk with God a lot, while He’s busy putting you together, exactly the way you’re meant to be? I would imagine that’s probably how you spend your days. That lets me know that you’re happy in there. You already know the source of all love and you know that He loves you. You must realize how tiny my love is in comparison, but I hope you know it’s the most I have to give.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

-Psalm 139:13-16

I spend a lot of time imagining what you’ll look like too, because I honestly have no idea. You could have dark hair like me, or blonde like your dad when he was little. Or from looking at your daddy’s beard, you could end up with red hair for all I know. You might have light blue eyes or they could be dark brown. You could have pale snow-baby skin or be sun-kissed from your very first day. All I’m certain of is that you’ll be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I’ll definitely be crying the first time you see me, so I’ll go ahead and apologize for that now. They will be happy tears though, the happiest tears I’ve ever felt. I try to imagine that moment a lot too, the first time we officially meet. It almost makes me nervous thinking about you seeing me for the first time. I hope you’ll be glad that I’m your mama. I picture Dr. Rogers holding you while you cry for the first time, and then passing you quickly over to me. Your dad will be standing next to me, smiling and maybe a little teary eyed.

I try to picture what holding your tiny hands might feel like. I wonder if my heart will be able to stand the first time your eyes look into mine. My baby, my very own little baby. I might never put you down. It’s hard for me to imagine past that moment though, without knowing if you’re a boy or a girl yet. There are just way too many scenarios for me to go through them all. We should find out, three weeks from today, if you’re our little man or our sweet girl. We just can’t stand to wait any longer.

I can’t wait to give you a name. To have something unique and special to call you. I wish I could ask you what you want to be called, that might make it a little easier to choose. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you, and that I finally noticed your little home. Now I know exactly where you are, and your daddy will have a more specific place to sing to the next time he writes you a song. I hope you can hear him talk to you and that it makes your heart as happy as it makes mine. You are so, so loved my little one. I can’t wait to meet you.


your mama


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